My minds playing tricks on me (but, I tricked it back)

I am in constantly in a conundrum. Sometimes feeling better about what has been done to me and at others feeling this burning hatred, knowing that what has occurred was so vile, evil, deceitful, and down right messed up. Even though I was treated this way and absolutely taken advantage of, I began to understand that I asked God for greatness. What I was not ready for was the trade-off I had to endure. I believe that God makes no mistakes and what he allowed to happen to me is in his grand plan. I can't question his absolute rule and authority. It just really hurts sometimes,

Without going into great detail, I lived in a situation that I created by staying functional in my disfunction. I lingered in a marriage that I knew that neither of us should have ever entered into, and now that my wife is dead, all her secrets have come out. People I used to call "friends" have decided to shun me, because many of them were part and parcel to her activities and even covered for her in many instances. The world I knew for the last 26 years has come crashing down and it all fell on me.

Needless to say, I had to look at this whole thing as my privilege. Let me tell you what I mean. Revelations are interesting. I have the chance to see my life flash before my eyes and I am in a position to correct it. She doesn't have that privilege. Dying with her sevret was hers, was dying with her secret. Mine is living with it and using it to make me a better version of me. The day before she died she apologized for her actions on her death bed (you can't be upset with a person, who's last words were "I'm sorry". Although I didn't find out the reason for her apology until years later, I realize that many people do not even get that. I imagined that my wife was bargain with God to allow her to get that outa. Let me tell you, she was all kinds of messed up.

She got sick out of the blue and before her death was confined to a life of stillness and darkness. She was declared brain dead, had punctured her lung 3 time, had 4 heart attacks, was on Demerol and fentanyl, and in a medically induced coma. She should have never been able to eek out that apology. That is why I can't stay mad at her.

Plus it was clear that if I want the better version of me, it didn't include being with her. I am not saying this in a bad way and frankly, I wished, she didn't die, but my destiny didn't include anyone that didn't believe in me, and I guess God saw to that. Still, my self-belief system was all screwed up. Hell at the time, I realized that I didn't believe in me either, so how could I expect others to. I put someone on a plain that I was not willing to go on, and the consequences created this "head-game" I am playing with myself.

Back to the blessings part. One, I clearly could have resided that, this is the best I can do in life frame of thought. I decided it was not conducive as a catalyst to find my better life. Two, I have two beautiful daughters (the best trade-off in this scenario), I got away from the madness, and I got out of the whole thing with a pretty penny too. Ultimately, it is about looking at your pluses vs your minuses. Also it is looking as the minus as a plus. The best way to address the mental "head-game" your mind is playing, is to see that it is playing and extract any good from it you can.

This can be lessons-learned, toxic relationships severed, or visualizations, that you denied to see. Take the jewels of knowledge that come from those "tricks" and use them to your advantage.

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