When we go through a tragedy, it can hit us so hard, that it takes us a long time to recover (we never really recover). Some people actual use the pain as purpose (I did, but it was not east at all).
Other people are so devastated by the loss, that it can total enable them.
I want people to understand that neither option is wrong, because it is based on how you feel, but which one will allow you to better manage the loss, while honoring the person you lost at the same time? I had to wrap my head around that one. For years I mourned over the loss of my wife. We were married for 18 years, we met in college. She was only 44 when she died. Her death haunted me for years.
I say haunted because the way I was thinking about her loss made it feel that way. After a few years of heavy drinking and weed smoking, I realized that enough was enough. I had responsibilities (2 daughters) and I had to find a way to restart my life w/out her. It is never easy, and it still is hard, her death day just past on May 24.
I actually unplugged that day, took a long walk and reflected on how my life has changed. I thought about the fact that she would be proud of the person I have become. I am now a speaker (talking about how to manage grief. You will never move on, but you can deal). I am a Podcaster (talking about how to work through difficulties and use them to help move you forward), a heck of a cook. My Pinterest page is called Cook Away Your Grief. I know she would be proud of that, because I went from burning everything when she was alive, to making great food.
My relationships with my daughters is awesome and I know she would have loved that, and through exercise, better living, I have developed a 6 pack and I am even the envy of the young dudes at my gym, she would have loved that and trust me, that feels great at 50.
All these things I have accomplished in her absence. I am so glad that after a long time of spinning, I was able to get a grip on myself. My decision to help people work through their loss and showing them possibilities through my own journey has been eye opening.
I never realized what I could do. During that walk, I also felt the pain of her loss and realizations that she is never coming back. I thought she was made for me and that I will never again love.
Quickly, I shifted those thoughts because I have learned through experience, that the more I dwell on it, the deeper into the hole I fall. I found this article online that summed up my loss, my feelings and, but it also talked about ways to identify and address some forms of grief. https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/mourning-death-spouse.
I know that it is beyond devastating and this article and these feeling can be applicable to many losses (children, lovers, close friends), I am just acquainting it to mine. The fact that I have walked through, utilized, and now discuss many of the techniques to healing that are in the article.
It allowed me to quicken my pace and I was able to stick my chest out in pride. Things I never would have attempted, accomplished, or been able to help others with, came out of my loss.
I am not saying that everyone should see it this way, but I am saying that do you think that not honoring the loss of the person you loved, is helpful?
That decision is on you and trust me, it comes in time. Heck it took me six years. I understood that if I stayed the way I was feeling that I was not going to be helpful to myself or others. I am saying all this to say that right now things may look dark now, but with the understanding that it will happen to all of us someday, made me realize the fact that my baby would not want to see me the way I was.
Also the fact that my inability to manage the loss of my wife was affecting others as well as me, all gave me incentives of understanding. I realized that the loss of my wife has birthed valuable gifts that I can use to help other people work through their issues.
If you have recently gone through a loss, take your time, be selfish as you want, (I was because I felt no one understood my pain, so being selfish was my retaliation).
Just realize that you do not deserve to feel this way forever and the person you lost does not want to see you like this, because they loved you as much as you loved them.
These are the reasons I have chosen to honor my loss, instead of continuing to opine over it. Please take all the time you need, just understand that you do not need or deserve to be in that frame of thought forever.