It is so strange that the people who say that have your back, sometimes do not, when you need them the most. It truly sucks because you feel abandoned, hurt, and forgotten. Many of these feeling are valid because you are now experiencing some realisms. It breaks down a few ways (concerning your peoples).
1. The person may be swimming in their own drama and has a hard time attempting to help you, when they are struggling themselves.
2. Those that feel they have given enough, and do not have enough emotional strength to give you too.
3. and lastly, the don’t give a “F” people that need to be avoided or broken free from.
You must first know the category of the relationship and then maneuver from there. Persons 1-2 mean well, they are just in a conundrum with themselves over your situation.
Person 3 on the other hand is someone you may want to question your relationship with. You may also feel that avoiding is the key.
This does not mean permanent avoidance, it means that you must create “boundaries” in your relationship with that person who is giving you the “FU” feeling. Grievers do not want to tell people their problems for a few reasons.
Grievers have a challenging time articulating their feelings and that may bother others or grievers are “long winded” and people do not want to decipher their truth.
Either way it puts a griever in an awkward situation. An article in Whatsyourgrief.com discusses why people chose to avoid others when they are dealing with grief.
The writer, Eleanor Haley, talked about something called Experiential avoidance. According to her research, she stated experiential grief like this. “Experiential avoidance is an attempt to block out, reduce or change unpleasant thoughts, emotions or bodily sensations. These are internal experiences that are perceived to be painful or threatening and might include fears of losing control, being embarrassed, or physical harm and thoughts and feelings including shame, guilt, hopelessness, meaninglessness, separation, isolation, etc”(Haley, E. What’s your grief.com, nd)
when I speak with people they always tell me that they lack “trust” in the people that they used to rely on. I again, talk with them about re-evaluating relationships and discussing that trust is a very human thing but now All trust must be verified.
This assist the griever by giving them new tools to measure relationships and find out if the party they were friends with will support their intolerable rants and raves because they love them (which the rants are purely justified).
A true friend sees through this and understands that hurt and pain, play a huge role in your inability to discuss your feeling accurately.
Ultimately you need to truly evaluate your relationships. Some where strong at the time but now you need something they can’t provide and instead of telling you they can’t provide it, they put u in a situation to where you don’t want to talk to them about your issues. It is a ploy to shut down that conversation.
You are crying out in pain, in the hopes that someone is listening. Sometime you have to hear yourself first, create a position (a stance) and then ask for assistance.
Understand what you are asking for and sometimes that comes with opinions you do not want to hear. The key is to find someone you trust that you feel will take a non-judgmental approach.
You must be comfortable expressing yourself, especially through these new challenges that are related to your loss. It is a shame because people that say they have your back, many of them truly would if they new how.
Understand that and avoid another long standing negativity in your mind, concerning the person you confide ins lack of empathy.
Wayne Dyer, a motivational speaker said this, “you can’t give what you do not have”. He was referring to peoples lack of empathy in relation to your situation. In essence give them a break.
Focus on self healing and not on who is not there for you, the prior is a key to a better life, the latter is a key to continuing to feel the way you feel. Forgive the rambling but people going through this understand, but grievers must realize that they are there best confidant and the more you rely on self and understand others when they decide to “back away”.
Ultimately, it is one less thing you need to bother yourself with. Use this situation to reevaluate relationships, gather strength, and find a new tribe, that respects you.